The Secret
It was during our conversation over lunch. There were a few times where I could get them to talk about my gender issues, but for the most part, they only wanted to speak about my move. There was a point where I managed to change the subject, however. I said that I don't think I particularly look like a man, not when compared to my father and brother anyway, and they told me that they knew why.
When I was sixteen and going through all my psychosis issues, I was put on risperidone. My father told me that he asked my psychiatrist why he wasn't seeing physical developments that he'd expect of a late teen, and they told him that it was because of my medication. That was apparently never important enough to tell me about.
I feel betrayed, and it makes me wonder what other secrets they've kept from me. There were a lot of meetings behind closed doors in doctor's surgeries that I wasn't allowed to attend, and for all I know there could be some earth-shattering secret that they never deigned to inform me of. I've struggled with my physical appearance (narrow jaw, narrow shoulders, shitty beard) for years and they just never told me. How the hell am I supposed to feel about that?
I've considered what this means for my transition, and I've decided it means nothing. Except, that is, that I lack some of the physical features that other transwomen struggle with. I feel better about going through with this now, and I think I have a better chance of passing.
But about my parents? I don't know what to think.
