Out of the Closet! (Kind of)

I did it!
I'm out of the closet to my mother.

I had this entire scenario in my head. We'd meet up for coffee somewhere within walking distance of my house, so if I had to split I could walk home by myself. The conversation would begin with me asking questions; did you notice anything strange about me as a teenager? Do you remember when I started wearing mascara as a young adult? Do you think my gay uncle, who's spent his whole life in the closet, lives a happy and fulfilling life?

I manage to ask some of those but, in the end, it didn't go as I'd planned. That's okay, though. I came out over the phone because I was sick of waiting for her attention, and I thought it would be easier than saying it at theirs and then having to spend the rest of the evening over an uncomfortable dinner. Dinner is happening tonight and (with luck) they've had a whole night to digest that their 30-year-old son wants to become a daughter.

I don't think she was actually shocked, though, which was good. I'd been feeding-forward for about a week after I told her I was genderqueer, and I have a history of embracing "new things", so this probably wasn't all that alien for them. I don't think she knew what genderqueer is, however, so I'm glad I had the opportunity to explain the full extent of this and the fact that I hope to fully transition.

On the downside, she thinks it's just another BPD phase and, of course, I can't convince her otherwise. I tried illustrating how this is markedly different from the identity shifts I've embraced in the past (Christianity, Veganism, Islam, to name a few) but she had a hard time understanding that. I've had enough identity crises for this to seem like a perfectly reasonable standpoint, and I can't physically open my brain and show her that my gender identity is something I've struggled with my entire adult life. It's perfectly reasonable for her to assume this will pass, and although it's mildly infuriating for me, I have to accept that I can't force her to see things my way.

But she did tell me that if this is something that I genuinely want, and it'll make me happy, then she would support me. That came with a lot of conditionals ("you have to see a counsellor before you decide") but I'm pretty happy to ignore those for now. I know where I am and where I want to go, and I have no reason to need to reevaluate my decision simply because somebody else doesn't get it. I'm not thinking of the future; I just need to look at my feet, and not the staircase I'm climbing.

So all in all... not perfect, but turned out better than I'd expected.

My siblings will be a different story, especially the village idiot my sister is marrying (please never read this) and I think if there's going to be a wedge between me and my family over this, it's going to come from them.

Still, focus on the feet. Don't look up. It's nobody's journey but yours.

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