The Calm Before...

Whatever, here's a photo of me. Feeling conflicted.
It's not long before the move now.

I can't decide if I'm excited or terrified. I got some weed a few days ago and spent a couple days freaking out that everything was about to end, that my parents were right about me, and that I'm about to fuck up my life. It sounds bad, but it was actually pretty productive.

I spent like two days listening to Lana Del Rey's Lust for Life album and spacing out. My mother would immediately tell me that I am far too close to the precipice to be spending two whole days stoned, but I'm glad I did it. When the weed ran out and I had to return to reality, I actually felt a lot more confident about the way things are.

I think towards the end of the bowl of weed (I'm back to being a lightweight after giving up) I realised that all of the things that I was worried were going to happen may just happen. But even if they did, even if all the horrible catastrophes I've imagined come to pass, I'm still going to be better off than I was before all this happened.

I was ready to kill myself a month ago because I felt like I'd reached the peak of my happiness. This was all there was ever going to be; just a sad man in a sad body, waiting for the reaper. I can't think of anything worse than that; even homelessness seems pale in comparison if it gets me where I need to be in life.

I'm still unrolling my decision to the family. I had a BPD impulse tonight (wiiiine) and told one of my cousins. It... went better than I suppose I imagined it? She's on mum's side of the family, and most of my focus has been on my father's side since that's where I'm expecting the trouble to come from. Well, this was the first person I've come out to on that side of the fam and, while it was awkward (I don't know that this can be anything but?) it certainly went better than it could have.

But don't let this give you a false impression of the way things have been going; I've been struggling. My parents have this way of getting in my head and making me second guess myself. "What if this is all just your BPD again?" is something I've been hearing pretty regularly lately. My mother, in particular, has started seeing a therapist and is happily telling me everything they're telling her. I don't know if said therapist intends her to tell me half the stuff she is; to be honest, I don't know why I need to know that my mother needs to protect herself emotionally from me. Couldn't she just... not get involved, and I would never care anyway because I'm not as reliant on her as she thinks I am?

But yeah, the angle in my family right now is I'm causing trouble. That's all they need to care about; my problems are only ever mine until they affect other people, then they're not mine at all. Right now, what I'm going through is affecting other people, so that's all I hear about. It doesn't even matter that I was suicidal a month ago. All I heard about that was my mother's empty offer to listen to me when I felt the need. Well, I tried to talk to her a week later and she ignored me.

Nothing matters if I'm the only person going through it, and because of that I think I need to take a serious step away from the family. I need them to realise that, just because there's been a 4:1 split since 2003, it doesn't change my importance as an individual and a member of the family. They think that if they have the floor, then it's because they're right. They don't realise that they're hurting me. Let me rephrase that, actuall; they refuse to realise that they're hurting me. Every time I bring it up they act like I'm just having another one of my panty tanties and I'm fucking sick of it.

I exist. Just because I'm not like anybody else in the immediate family doesn't change my validity as a human being. Reality is not democratic; just because you can drown out the sound of somebody doesn't change them. They are alive, and you can't make them disappear by ignoring them or pretending that their voice doesn't exist.

I can't explain how I feel at the moment. On the one hand, I'm scared. I'm so fucking scared that I'm walking into a massive trap and that everything is going to fall apart and I'll be even worse off than I am now. Never underestimate the word worse because things can (usually) always get worse. But it's not about risk, it's about the future.

Going back to where I was at the beginning of June... I think I'd be almost willing to do anything to escape going back there. And there's this deep sensation I've been feeling since I opened up this box and started unpacking all my shit. Just this... feeling of peace and serenity, and femininity. It's impossible for me to explain, except to say that it's like I've been struggling with a lock, trying key after key to get inside. Eventually, I find the right key and... everything just clicks? It's not perfect -- I still have to get the groceries inside -- but the door is open and I understand a little more about myself.

Everything just feels kind of right at the moment. This key has allowed me to look at myself in a different light, and everything just kind of makes sense under it. My past, my present, my future, all of them mean something when I examine them like this. I've always been transgender; it's just the world that's catching up to me. And although I'm fucking scared of the future, I have this deep inner voice that tells me that everything is going to be okay once I get over this hurdle. The rest of my life will be so much more... livable once I'm done.

I don't want what time I have left to be spent in the body of a person I don't want to be. I don't want dysphoria to be the theme of my life. I want people to see me the way I want to be seen, and I want the relationships that I have from now until my death to be pure.

Anyway, I've been drinking and I'm at risk of ranting. I'm not publishing these posts in the group/page anymore because I'm starting to feel like I'm forcing people to read. If people want to read they'll read, and maybe one day somebody will read over this and realised that I mattered, even though I didn't feel it at the time.

'Scuse the state of this. I'm not proofreading this shit until tomorrow.

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