Trying to Talk Myself Brave

Okay, so these aren't actually my bags.
So much is happening.

I'm selling my TV tomorrow. Sounds like nothing, but it's the beginning of the end here in Mackay.

I'm... terrified. I'm really petrified right now. There are so many variables, and I could really end up screwing myself over and ending up homeless or worse. I don't know how long it's going to take me to find a permanent place in Sydney. Everyone I talk to thinks I'm insane for doing this, and I'm not sure that they're wrong.

But staying behind is the worse option, by far. My life is nightmarish right now, although I understand that it's so hard for people around me to see that. My own apartment, two beautiful cats, a town in North Queensland, why would I want to throw all that away?

The truth is that this life is draining my life away. I'm not this person, and this town was never intended for somebody like me; there are insufficient services and an oppressive atmosphere towards difference. I'm not talking about cultural or religious differences because Mackay has plenty of those. But if you're just not normal, and you never could be, this town will destroy you. Everybody has a shelf that they fit on, whether you're a Muslim or an immigrant, or just part of a particular subculture. Everyone has to belong to a group, and the people who can't learn to mask their symptoms.

I don't think there are many transgender people in Mackay. I met one woman on Facebook, but as far as I know, she's the only one. There might be others but I suspect that they're in hiding, and even if there was a vibrant community here, I couldn't transition in this place. This is where my family are, and I can't bear for them to see me go through these changes. I'd very much prefer it if I could just disappear off the record, and reappear post transition. I realise that this is probably immature. To be honest, I wish I could just jump into a machine and walk out a woman, or use the console to return to the character editor like in Fallout or The Elder Scrolls.

Then there's the timeframe. Why in a month? Why not next year?

To be honest, my life isn't the only thing this town is draining; the excruciating power costs are also draining my finances. Sure, I could leave next year, but I'd never manage to save anything and I'd end up paying more in power and rent on a place that's killing me. What's the point? Why not just pack up and leave, and get a head start on what's already going to be a difficult time?

There's that word again. Difficult. I think it's an understatement. I think the times ahead are going to be horrific, though I hope I'm wrong. I'm going ahead assuming I'm wrong, but I'm still expecting the worst. If I expect to wind up homeless at some point, it won't be so hard to manage. I'll do my research, and know what I have to do if and when that happens. And when it's all over, I'll be in a better place.

 Still. I'm pretty scared right now.

I'm going to need music.

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