Down the Rabbit Hole
That word has a lot of meanings. It conjures images of rape and heinous bodily harm, but those aren't its only meanings. Rape is sexual assault, but sexual assault is not just rape.
So I was at Town Hall station at about 11:30am this morning. I was coming up the escalator from the platform when I felt the back of somebody's hand against my buttocks. I turned around to see a man, maybe sixty or so, moving back down a step like he had moved for somebody, but there was nobody behind him, at least not close enough to warrant him moving towards me.
Did I just feel what I thought I felt? The way he was acting seemed like he thought he'd just done it accidentally. Don't get me wrong; accidental bodily contact happens a lot. In elevators, crowded trains, when passing somebody in a Woolies aisle. This felt different, though. Despite the fact that he was coming from a step down, and despite the fact that I'm 6'4", his hand was dead on target. He touched me precisely where I would expect to be touched if somebody were to grab me.
He didn't apologise or even acknowledge the fact that he had just touched me, he just went back down a step and continued on with his day. I knew he'd touched me. He knew he'd touched me. I guess he thought that if nobody else knew, then it never happened, but he sexually assaulted me.
I snapped a photo of his back as he walked off. I guess I should have spoken to the station staff but... as silly as it sounds, my immediate thoughts were of not doing anything bad myself. Don't cause a scene. Don't make trouble. These seem like such small things compared to what he did to me, but they were my first thoughts.
Even now, speaking about it and knowing full well the gravity of what happened, I feel nervous using the term sexual assault. It feels like walking into the tabernacle, like it's something not meant for me and not right for me to use.
It feels like blasphemy.
This is the world I'm having to come to terms with while living as a woman. The way I'm seen now is so insanely different from how I was seen as a man. I'm not saying I didn't encounter unwanted sexual attention as a male, but in the last six months the way I'm perceived by the world has changed. This is so hard to explain. I had trouble understanding it before transition, and, let's be frank, I'm having trouble understanding it now. I'm no longer viewed solely as an individual. When certain people look at me, they see somebody pretty. Somebody to be flirted with. Somebody to have sex with. They objectify me.
Let's look at some parts of my history as a man and compare it to my history as a woman, keeping in mind that the male part of my life spans 30 years and the female part merely six or so months.
As a man, I was:
- Sexually assaulted in school, where a group of bullies (men) pulled down the bottom half of my clothing and exposed me to a group of 30-40 people. They also played a "prank" on me where they would hit me in the testicles.
- Had somebody much older than me, whom I thought of as a friend, try to lure me to his place to have sex with him. My parents forbade me. I was angry. This is one of the few times they were right.
- Was in a secret "relationship" with a woman who was much older than me, had kids and was engaged. I was in the 9th grade, I think.
- Got catfished a lot.
That's a lot to take in, and none of it should be minimised according to gender. The things in this list were not okay (okay, being catfished is kinda benign, if not annoying), should not be deemed to be okay, and left a huge mark on me.
But here's what's happened to me as a woman:
- I dated a person who was unhinged. We had arranged to have sex on our second date, but they became so unhinged that I physically lost the ability to say no. They were bigger and stronger than me. I was afraid of them. I've been afraid of people before, but never in a way that could have ended up with me doing something sexual that I wasn't okay with. My friends saved me.
- Had somebody announce that "they are now flirting with me" and that I should tell them to stop if it's not okay. I have some serious anxiety problems and probably won't be able to tell a person to stop communicating with me suggestively. Thankfully, they got the hint after I stopped responding.
- Had a friend who got drunk and asked me to have sex with them on my facebook, where people could see it. They continue to be creepy, and have even insulted and threatened my other friends (guess which side of that I'm on?)
- Had another friend who I've known since I was 15 change the way he communicates with me, from occasional and platonic to often, suggestively (read: "flirting"), and frequently trying to get me to meet up with them physically. I made a comment about being sexually objectified on my facebook, He replied with a lewd comment (which he later explained as "being about him", and he mentioned the fact that he had "known me for over a decade"), and my friends went into attac to protec mode. Again, my friends saved me.
- Had a dude on the escalator cop a feel, which we've already discussed.
This is a huge list compared to the first, and it's even leaving a lot out. I've omitted the fact that I regularly receive unsolicited friend requests from men on social media. I like to add people I meet, which means I prefer to leave my privacy settings a little open. No, that doesn't mean that any Tom, Dick or Ali should send me a request, however they frequently do (tip: that photo of your abs doesn't magically make me want to add you).
It also leaves out the times I've been verbally assaulted for being trans (like today, different story), because I want to focus on the aspects of being female. I mean, those experiences are valid and wouldn't have happened if I was presenting male, but they're not universal to women so I left them out.
I've noticed that people seem to assume consent and expect me to say no if I don't give it. They start out calling me honey or sugar or some other glucose-related nickname. (Hey there, Agave Nectar!)
They begin with the assumption that they have the right to flirt with, make advances on, or generally express interest in me or whatever, and it's my responsibility to shoot them down if I disagree. Until that happens, they've got a hunting pass.
Except, there's a couple of problems with this. I've already said that my anxiety, coupled with my past traumas and the way that I LITERALLY SHUT DOWN DURING CONFLICT, makes that pretty hard for me to do. I realise I need to get to the place where I can do it easily, or risk having this stuff happen more and more, but I'm just not there yet. I'm not going to be there for a while, before therapy and generally practicing it makes it possible.
Additionally, it assumes that consent is given until it isn't. The default state of a woman is that she's okay with it. If she isn't, then the burden is on her to say so. Is it okay to hug you when you've never hugged me? Guess you'll stop me if you don't want me to. Can I buy you flowers and have them delivered to your workplace? Well, you never said I couldn't. Can I make a pass at you in an attempt to alter our relationship from platonic to romantic or sexual? Just stop me if you don't want me to.
This is a can of worms. I'm not saying I have any of the answers to the issues I've raised. I'm also not making any comment about the way consent works, or even reflecting on current events. Those are valid, important discussions, I'm just not wading into those particular waters. What I am doing is contrasting the way consent works between men and women. Men are generally expected to have an active role in initiating anything romantic or sexual, be it flirting, asking somebody out, whatever.
But the dynamic is different for a woman. She's expected to be the target of advances. She is flirted with, and until she says you should stop, then by god it's open season. Consent is assumed until it's declined.
Here's an idea: why don't you fucking ask first?
